I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it