I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Seek kebab; not attention
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad