If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.