I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You Might Also Like
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Breaking news:
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
You can’t outrun your problems…
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.