Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army