Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”