Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
my favorite genre of twitter
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole