You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”