Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel