In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I hope Alan is OK
No laws when master is gone
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Lmao
Cheers Twitter.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.