NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
You wish you had this many chins.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
#CatsOnTwitter
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.