WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
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5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Nice try, poison.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend