The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
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I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
marvel comics have peaked
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.