What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads