Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
are there any atheist mantises?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right