whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.