The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
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Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
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Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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