COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book