Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Just had my nails done!
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”