What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!