a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
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gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The photographer’s assistant
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.