Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
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Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Anyone want a chair?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.