The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
You Might Also Like
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”