“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂