I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
How software testing works
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right