Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Tremendous stuff
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word