I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.