My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.