Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM