Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Poetry is my passion
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.