Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you