If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.