Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.