Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
What flavor cupcake are these
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK