doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.