Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
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In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
This is me
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge