So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff