getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
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Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*puts my mental health in rice
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My therapist after every session
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Guys, I found it.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac