JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?