Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
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Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I wish I were this cool 😂
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
As the Lord intended
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?