My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I can fix him.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.