The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.