Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.