Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink