“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Hot Hot Hot
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Britain be like
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.