I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
This pepper has seen some shit
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.