Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer