36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House