pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”