my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
You Might Also Like
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.